Dear sisters, why is it that so many wonderful, kind, deen oriented sisters, end up with men that don’t deserve them? The type of Muslim brother who drinks and doesn’t lift one finger in his own household, but expects his future wife to be like what Aisha was to our Prophet Muhammed (PBUH). We need to be everything as women and as Muslim sisters, that pressure is even higher! Whatever we do, we do by the will of Allah, but some Muslim brothers forget that the same rules also apply to them. Thankfully there are enough eligible high-value Muslim brothers who work on their deen and Dunya, are kind and have something to offer. They will find us once we stop giving the low-value Muslim brothers a chance! So here are a few tips to help you stop dating/marrying down!
Tip 1. Don’t be desperate!
The worst thing you, as a classy Muslim sister can do, is being desperate. Desperateness has to do with your mindset. Do you have a Fear or Faith mindset? A fear mindset promotes a life of scarcity. When we make choices based on fear, our choices are inherently based on a fear of lacking and scarcity. We do this because we fear that nothing better will come along. You saying yes to the low-value Muslim brothers because you’re scared that you’ll die an old maid is a fear mindset based choice. Sisters, never settle for less because you didn’t dare ask for more!
Men are more critical
Rarely do men take the first offer they get. Men (almost) never get to know one girl at a time. They spread themselves out and talk to multiple women at the same time to increase their chances in finding the one they like the most. It is basically a dating roster. Have you ever been in contact with a Muslim brother that you actually liked, and then suddenly he was gone? That means that some other girl in his dating roster was a better fit for his future than you. Men will sooner disappear and ghost you then tell you the truth. The same goes for men in their careers. When men are not satisfied with the pay a job offers them, they would rather not work and continue the search for another job, than work for less what they think they are worth.
Tip 2. Broaden your view and start being courted
We Muslim women often get the short end of the stick when it comes to finding our partner. Whilst our Muslim brothers date whoever they want, are seen out with women and even get away with not being virgins, we sisters are scrutinised for every hair that falls out of our hijab. Many sisters won’t agree with my method, but I found a new way of getting to know possible life partners. Nowadays I keep my options open and I advise you to do the same! Sisters, we look down on dating, but let’s be honest, how will a high-value Muslim brother find us when we don’t allow him to talk to us? Most men wouldn’t dare to speak directly to your father, so throwing them a bone (with the intention of marriage) is a way you can get to know each other.
Courting: dating with the intention of marriage (which hopefully makes it less haram, not an Imam tho)
What courting doesn’t mean is that you go around meeting every Muslim brother you talk to, nor does it mean doing anything haram (such as physical contact). Courting is about data collection. You don’t immediately meet up with anyone! First, you make sure that your intentions are clear. You are speaking with this Muslim brother with the intention of getting to know each other and see if marriage is a possibility for you. This makes it a useful experience. Dating is just ‘seeing what’s out there’ without a clear goal in mind. Courtship should lead to marriage. A halal relationship is your goal. Do you want to know more about courting?
Tip 3. Be Choosy!
Sisters, for the love of Allah, please I beg you: BE PICKY. You wish to be married and this person you end up choosing will be your husband This is a very important choice, so don’t make it lightly! The choices we make in our young age can very well become problems in our adulthood. As I said, people with a fear mindset make choices based on scarcity, fearing that nothing better will come along. This causes them to say yes to the first low-value Muslim brother who gives them attention. Sisters, it is better to be alone, than to give up your dignity. You have to find your value! When you know your own value and when you have standards, your future marriage and your partner will reflect it.
Muslim women are the prize! (not the low-value Muslim Brothers)
The Qur’an calls us sisters ‘muhsana’ meaning a fortress against Satan. Because a good woman helps keep her husband on the right, Islamic path in life. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) described marriage as the most virtuous act. He said:
“When a man marries, he has completed one half of his religion.”
The prophet Muhammed was also full of praise for virtuous and chaste women, saying:
“The world and all things in the world are precious but the most precious thing in the world is a virtuous woman.
Sisters, don’t ever forget that we are the key to unlocking Jannah for our future husbands. We are, as the Prophet stated, the most precious thing in the world. So stop settling for men, you know are not good enough for you.
Tip 4. Don’t waste time on the ‘potential’ Low-value Muslim Brothers have
You know that one Muslim brother you talked to for a week or two, who had these grand plans for the future? Whenever you would ask about the steps he was taking towards this goal, he would mumble under his breath. So many Muslim brothers have these ideas they want to work on, but lack the discipline to follow through. We call these low-value Muslim brothers ‘Potentials’. Because that’s all that they offer. They may follow-through, one day… maybe… But more often than not it’s just talk. Don’t be fooled and courted by Potentials. Imagine you two fight? Will he follow through on your marriage or will he, like they so often do, mumble under their breath and give up because their lives are so hard and we just don’t get what they are going through?
Sisters, in this Dunya, you get what you accept. If you accept a Muslim brother like this, you consequently accept the fact that he is not a proactive male because he simply lacks follow-through. Everybody can talk a big game, but where is the proof? If it is Eid, and all he gives you are some mint leaves, so you can go make tea, you have failed in your choice of a husband! You deserve finery (within his means, of course, he doesn’t have to go broke). That’s why you need to be choosy! Sisters, Allah tests us in this life with what he believes we can handle. That does, however, not excuse poorly made choices on your part. He gave us free will, so use it wisely!
Tip 5. If you don’t like what is being served, send it back or leave the table
As I said, you always have a choice. You decide if you are willing to marry a low-value Muslim brother. It’s up to you if you want to live below your standards. It is your god-given right to marry a man who maybe is not that well-off but has all the qualities you want in a partner. What I’m trying to say is that you decide. Some sisters like to play the victim role. “Oh, but It wasn’t a problem for me at the beginning”, “Well he said he was going to change”, “Oh, my husband doesn’t want me to travel by bus because there are other men on the bus”. These things happen to sisters and they will sulk because they know that this is not what they envisioned for themselves.
Have a faith mindset
But sisters, when you have a faith mindset when you trust in Allah when you believe that he will grant you the abundance you wish for and live as a good Muslim sister, you won’t have to make the same mistakes. Stop giving low-value Muslim brothers a chance when you know that they don’t meet your standards. Stop thinking that good men are scarce, that is a fear mindset. Sisters, learn to say no, not only to protect yourself but also to give the low-value men a chance at bettering himself before he decides to marry. Saying no doesn’t mean you are arrogant, it means you have high self-worth and that you value yourself.
Gratitude is a wonderful thing sisters, but if you’re in a restaurant and they serve you something you know you didn’t order, something you know you won’t like… Just send it back! Easy as that. Send it back and have something new brought in. And if the restaurant is not willing to give you what you want, then leave the table. Go to another restaurant and take a look at the menu there! You as, a classy Muslim sister, are the prize. You deserve more than a low-value Muslim brother. Have faith in Allah and keep going. You’ll be fine In Sha Allah
Your Classy Muslim Sister helps you find your value
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Your Classy Muslim Sister