Broken people, hurt other people. Have you ever experience a connection that didn’t end up the way you wanted to? For example: Have you ever met a nice Muslim man who you thought would be the other sock to your sock, so you can make a pair of socks? I don’t know why but whenever I read this Quran verse:
“And of everything we created a pair, that perhaps you may remember.” (Qur’an 51:49)
But sometimes, life just doesn’t work out the way you want to. It is very important to not have a fear mindset once this happens but to hold on tight to your faith mindset. Allah knows what we can handle and gives us what we deserve. Sadly, some sisters leave these experiences truly hurt and insecure. They decide that it is better to not sit with their hurt and just move on to the next option! By not acknowledging hurt, you let it fester in your soul and that is not a path you want to take sisters. Let me give you 3 reasons why you should heal first. Then you need to know how to heal! I share 6 steps that will help you heal after being hurt.
Reason 1: Hurt affects everything
Losing someone hurts you. It hurts your feelings, your possible plans but most importantly it hurts your sense of value and your pride. You start to doubt yourself, your abilities, your looks, your personality. “Why wasn’t I good enough for this person? Why did I have to break it off?” Sister, when you start being courted by the next Muslim guy, so soon after being hurt by the first one, you are not acknowledging your hurt. And when you don’t acknowledge that you were broken after that experience, you are letting this feeling of low self-value (which is a consequence of being hurt) infect your soul. Broken people are hurt people who don’t acknowledge their hurt.
Quick fixes don’t fix or heal anything for broken people
Imagine you fall and you hurt your knee. When you get home you see that you have a painful, open wound. The responsible thing is to wash your wound first, then disinfect it and finally wrap it. It will take sometime before it is healed and sometimes (most times) wounds leave scars. But you have acknowledged your wound and dealt with accordingly! Now it can be healed. Then there are some who get home, look at the wound and decide that putting a quick bandaid on will magically heal it! A worse thing broken people do is just ignore the wound. These people tend to end up with amputated legs…
You probably get where I’m going with this. You need to work on your hurt before you do anything else. Otherwise, you’ll affect your soul and it that will have a lasting effect on your life. Broken people stay broken because they let their wounds fester instead of dealing with them in a responsible way.
Reason 2. broken people lower your standards
After heartbreak, you question yourself. You become more insecure than you usually are, and you just want to be loved even more. Some sisters start hating men altogether, talking down on them and calling them the worst. Expecting men to be trash, attracts men that are trash! It’s a sell fulfilling prophecy. That why you should NOT jump to the next guy and that’s why you should ask your self “Am I ready for love, or do I just want to be loved?”
They sound the same, but they are quite different. When you are ready for love and when Allah deems you ready, it will find you. As been said, Allah created us in pairs. Yes, your other sock may still be missing, but you trust in Allah and you know that your compatible sock is just a laundry day away. When you want to be loved, you start going after it, instead of letting it get to you. You grab the closest sock that will do the job, but it won’t fit, look and feel the way you want to. Many women just want to be loved and they want that quick fix bandaid to stop the bleeding which is why the lower their standards. Broken people lower their standards because they feel less deserving.
Stop settling because you’re scared!
Women settle, men don’t. Maybe it’s because women have a biological clock that keeps ticking, maybe it is because we’re insecure about our worth. Whatever it is, it is a fact that women settle more than men. Not only in love but also in their careers! We often take the first offer, not thinking about higher pay because we don’t want to seem greedy or ungrateful. Women are more flexible, but that also means that we end up with men that are far from what we wished for. When we are hurt, we attract other hurt people. Were not expecting much from our future husbands, because then they can’t disappoint us. When we are hurt and have taken a blow to our own perceived value, we seek validation from people that we wouldn’t even give a chance normally. Broken people have a broken view of themselves which leads to settling.
Reason 3. We disrespect ourselves
When you don’t respect something, you treat it badly or without care. If you bought a brand new phone that you worked very hard for, how would you treat it? Now compare it to being given a Nokia. Not one of those fancy models, but the old school ones (the one you could only play Snake on). How would you treat one of those? When you have found your value and your self-worth, you will treat yourself like you treat that amazing phone you worked so hard for. When you send out signals that you are someone that respects and takes care of themselves, you’ll attract other people who respect and take care of themselves. It’s not rocket science!
You are Allah’s creation
But when you are hurt and insecure, you lower your value. You’re still Allah’s creation and worth so much, but because you do not acknowledge your hurt and work on getting better, you see yourself as less and lose yourself in the process. You treat yourself as that old Nokia. And when you treat your self as less, you start lowering your value. Your actions will disrespect yourself and you’ll do it to punish yourself because you think that that’s what you deserve. Some Muslim sisters get hurt by others and take drastic actions that they can’t take back. Non-Muslim women go out clubbing after a break-up, right? They go to clubs, get drunk on alcohol and male attention, puke everywhere and the day after, they wake up with a random dude that they can’t even remember speaking to! Muslim women have their own way of badly dealing with hurt.
How do we heal?
1. Be calm and accept your emotions
First, healing takes time when you want to do it right. That’s why you need to be calm and accept the emotions your feeling. Crying is okay, but just crying is not the solution. You need to really accept that you feel sad, mad, hurt, whatever the emotion is you’re feeling. Be aware of your emotion. Accept that you are feeling that way. Don’t pretend that you are not hurt when you’re by yourself (in the company of others you can pretend to not care). Life breaks us all, we are all a little bit broken all the time and broken people are just people who are not ready to deal with their pain. We all like to pretend that we are fine all the time, but the truth is YOU ARE NOT FINE. And that’s okay.
2. Know that you are strong enough to heal
You are Allah’s creation and Allah tests us with things he knows we can handle. They are supposed to make you a better, stronger, Muslim. Know that you are strong enough to learn from this experience and to grow from it. Think back to all the other times you were hurt and taught that you would never be the same again? Here you are! All the painful things that happened to you made you the person you are today. All those things that used to be a big deal when you were 12? Do you still remember them vividly? No! And the same will happen with this hurt (In Sha Allah). Know that you are strong and you’ll get better, trust me.
3. Evaluate yourself and the experience
Think back to the end of that courtship. Why did he, or you, decide to end it? Did you have other expectations than him? Or did you two have a very different Haram:Halal ratio? Evaluate the end of the experience. I once called it off with someone I really liked. I was still in school and not ready to marry and did not want to pursue a relationship. So, I let him go. It hurt… very much. But just because you’re sad after a decision, does not mean that it wasn’t the right one. He was the one that got away, but if I had stayed in a Haram relationship for a long period without a sure date of marriage, I would have compromised my faith. I know I made the right decision.
Your situation might not even have to do with a man, still, you should evaluate to understand the experience and the part you played in it.
4. Don’t jump to someone else
Give yourself time to heal. When you jump to someone else, you bring your hurt with you. Honestly, sister, you’re being selfish when you jump that quickly to someone else. Because you’re letting that person deal with your undealt issues, you are making him a carrier of a burden you didn’t want to fix yourself. Fact is, a happy marriage consists of two separately, happy people. Don’t make it someone else’s job to fix you because that grows resentment. If it is too much to deal with, then seek a therapist. Someone with actual knowledge and insight to help you!
5. Refind your value, practice self-love (care and mend)
Find your value again! You never lost it, you just forgot how valuable you actually are. By practising self-love and care, you start healing. This will automatically translate to having a faith mindset. When we trust in Allah, believe that he will give us plenty, that we have value and that we deserve abundance, it means that we have a faith mindset. This is not something you ‘fix’ or ‘get’ in a day. This is a lifelong journey! Luckily, you have the entire rest of your life to work on it!
6. Know that once you have healed, you will add love and value
Hurt people, hurt people. But people who are healed, add value to others lives can live a life full of peace, love and abundance. That’s what I wish for you. So sister, when you are at the start of the healing process, just know that it will be worth it in the end. Yes, it takes time and it’s painful, but the person you are at the end of the journey, that is the person who will find her other sock, one that perfectly matches…
Your Classy Muslim Sister helps you heal and love
Do you want to learn more about self-love topics with an Islamic point of view? Take a look in Modesty! I write about Elegance, Self Love and more! Do you want to help the other Muslim sisters in your life too? Share my blog with them and follow me on Social Media!
Your Classy Muslim Sister