Is it just me, or is everyone around you also getting married? Being a happy single Muslimah is considerably harder when your friends are all happily paired up Muslimah’s. My girlfriends are talking about their (future) spouses, all the plans they have and about finally finding ‘the one’ and becoming ‘whole’. Which kind of annoyed me. Saying that you are becoming ‘whole’ means that when you were single, an individual, you were half. I wholeheartedly disagree with this notion and I have a very powerful source to back me up here. The Quran states (interpretation of the meaning):
“And of everything We have created pairs, that you may remember” [adh-Dhaariyaat 51:49].
You are a part of a pair, but you are still whole on your own. It’s like a pair of socks! Just because you can’t find the other one, doesn’t mean that the one you have isn’t a whole sock. It’s a single sock, but a sock nonetheless. Where am I getting at here? Let me ask you this: What does being single mean? it means being an individual. You are not half of something. You are a complete person which means you don’t need someone to ‘complete’ you or make you whole. It just means to be separate. Many Muslim sisters struggle with this notion, but if you want to be a happy single Muslimah, you need to understand the perspective and the fact that you’re a whole person.
Tip 1. Perspective is EVERYTHING
A happy single Muslimah doesn’t ask disempowering questions!
When you ask why, why, why, you are asking disempowering questions. “Why can’t I find a husband”, “Why is my friend married and I’m not?”, “Why have men asked for her hand and not for mine?” All these questions are disempowering because these are things we have no control over! So how do you get your power back? By focusing on questions that you can control! To give you an example:
- What have I learned being single these years?
- Being single and seeing and hearing about other’s relationships taught me about relationships, but what exactly?
- What did my last ‘courtship’ with a man teach me about what I want in my future husband?
- What has my divorce taught me about relationships and my expectations of marriage?
Stop saying “why is this happening to me, Allah?” And start saying ” Ya’Allah what are you trying to teach me”. Watch as your whole perspective changes.
Choose to be a happy single Muslimah
These questions allow you to take the power back, by taking responsibility and putting it on you instead of other people. We often focus way too much on what others do and don’t do, which puts us in the place of the ones being ‘done’ to. Thinking this way, and putting the responsibility on others, is a sure route to making yourself a victim and a blamer. So I need you to stop doing that. The most responsible thing we can do, to better ourselves and stop being victims, is to take full responsibility. We need to control the things we can control! Many things in life are nothing more than the choices you make. So ask yourself and make a choice:
- Am I choosing to be a sad single Muslimah?
- Or am I choosing to be a happy single Muslimah?
The only person who can make that choice for you is you! You are in control of your emotions, not everyone will believe me, but I am telling you! Just close your eyes and smile really big. Think of that one time your friend fell and you were laughing so hard you were almost crying. Or that time that your teacher told you that you did great on your test. Or when you were walking in the dark and you saw how beautiful the night sky was with all the stars and the moon shining bright.
If you spend your time scrolling through TikTok, Instagram or Snapchat following all these cute Muslim couples and thinking about how they are so in love and you aren’t, you’ve found something that makes you feel lonely. What you think about influences what you feel, we all know this, but we still look up things that make us feel sad. Why do we do that?! Maybe because we secretly want to feel bad, or want to be a victim so we don’t have to take responsibility… But what is an easy way to stop feeling sad and lonely? BY NOT LOOKING UP PEOPLE THAT ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS.
Maybe it’s not what you want to hear, but when you stop thinking about other people’s amazing marriages, there is no need for you to be sad about your nonexistent one. We need to understand that we are in control of our emotions and therefore responsible for our own happiness. Being a happy single Muslimah starts with the right mindset.
Tip 2. Commit to bettering yourself
This is were self-love, self-care, self-reflection and more ‘selfs’ come into play. Committing to working on yourself means going to the gym or going for a walk, it means doing your hair and your skincare routine. It means taking care of your body, but that’s not all! You also want to work on your soul to become a happy single Muslimah. Just to make something clear, you are not doing this work to attract a man. You are doing this work for you, so you can be you and be happy at the same time. Working on yourself is not something you do once, its a continuous process with ups and downs. You need to wake up every day In Sha Allah and try to be a better version of who you were yesterday.
And don’t do that thing that we all do, where you go “I want to better myself, I’ll start next Monday” Or “I’ll start next month”. NO. You need to start now.
So many Muslim sisters are running around looking for a husband when they should be looking for themselves. Sister, I need you to read this very carefully. You are not a wife, a mother, a sister, a doctor, teacher, politician, dentist, okay? These things are not WHO you are. These are positions you can obtain through life. They do not make you who you are and are therefore not your true identity. Muslim sisters introduce themselves as the daughter of their parents, as a student of a certain study, as a person from a certain country, those are things you can describe yourself as. They are not who you are. What you are is Allah’s servant. You are a creation made by Allah which makes you intrinsically valuable. Not because of your positions but because of who you are. You are (becoming) a happy single Muslimah who knows her own value!
What do you actually like?
What do you like, sister? YOU, not your parents, not your friends, not your community, your teachers or the media? Have you ever asked yourself what you like? Do you actually like to eat Ben & Jerry’s? Or do you eat it because other’s like it so much? Maybe you love Häagen-Dazs more, so just stop eating Ben&Jerry’s if you don’t like it. So many of us are unhappy because we keep giving ourselves things we don’t want! This can be almost anything. Men, career choices, friendships, hobbies, we give ourselves things we never even wanted in the first place because we’re so focussed on what we’re supposed to like. If you don’t care for blood, medicine and cutting people open, then don’t become a doctor!
Yes, it may disappoint your parents, Allah knows every parent wants their child to be a doctor/lawyer/CEO/Iman whatever. But if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Simple as that.
Loving yourself starts with liking yourself. That means that if you have a hard time loving yourself, there is something about you that you don’t like about yourself. The reason you don’t like yourself is almost always because you judge yourself too harshly. You don’t need to like yourself completely, because that is almost impossible. There is always going to be that one thing that annoys you about yourself unless you’re a full-blown narcissist. Maybe you don’t like how shy you get around a big group, or maybe (for me at least) you don’t like your bulbous nose or your singing voice. You can still love yourself without liking everything about yourself. The steps to loving yourself are:
- Being kind to yourself
- Giving yourself a break and not getting mad at every little thing you do
- Having some patience for yourself
- Stopping resenting yourself for things that happened
Love is about protecting yourself and not putting yourself in situations where you can’t. Are you giving a low-value Muslim boy a chance because you see his potential? Then you are in a situation where you can’t protect yourself from the definite harm that this boy is going to inflict. Are you protecting yourself by not compromising who you are? Your religion, your value, your morals and codes? Stop putting yourself in dangerous situations like bad (haram) relationships or putting others above your own needs. Protect your soul, sisters, and treat yourself right!
Tip 3. Have some fun as a single Muslim sister, until you’re a wife, a mother, an ‘anything that adds extra responsibility’
Why do you really want to be married, sister? Do you want to go on fun adventures? Watch movies just when they come out in the cinema? Do you want to eat at luxury restaurants and live the life you’ve always wanted? Then do it! Get comfortable in your own presence and start enjoying and doing these things you want to do by yourself or with friends! I’ve taken myself out to dates so many times, the next possible suitor has to take me and my mahram to a very special place to top the dates I’ve been on with myself. At first, it feels weird, I’m not going to lie. But at a certain point, you just enjoy it!
Build (platonic) relationships
Not romantic ones, just platonic relationships. Your connections, your friends, your family, your relationships can give you more than enough love, sister! We are all so focused on romantic love that we forget all the love that is around us. Start being that friend that you’ve always wanted. Be that person people can count on, that person that remembers their friend’s favourite food and out of the blue sends it to their address. That friend that never, ever, spills a secret. That friend that everyone wishes for. If you don’t have friends, I challenge you to make some! Because you followed steps 1 & 2, you’ll attract people that will love you for you and will fit the person you actually are.
Learn to be sure of yourself
Sister, you are an asset. You are the cherry on top. Everything is better than it already is with you added into the mix(at least if you followed steps 1 & 2). You have a faith mindset, which is the right mindset. When you don’t have that, you become a liability. You become a liability when you don’t feel worthy, which will always result in self-sabotage. Even if there was some high-value Muslim man out there that is attracted to you and wants to make you his wife, you will question it. You’ll be unsure of why he chose you of all girls because you wouldn’t choose you if you don’t love yourself or work on yourself. “How can HE love ME?”
But here’s the secret: when you know who you are, when you become that high-quality Muslimah, when you enjoy yourself and commit to bettering yourself, you will know what you deserve. If you do the work, you’ll know, and it’s not being arrogant or rude or difficult when you know your worth. It just means that when you don’t like what is being served, you sent it back and order something else. When you are at this point of actually being a happy, single Muslimah, and an interesting high-value Muslim man approaches you, you’ll think: “Does HE deserve ME?”
DO YOU, YOU SINGLE MUSLIM SISTER!
Let me tell you something, sister. Every single married person sometimes misses their single days. You have a lot of freedom as a single Muslim woman, believe me. When you’re married you are going to look back on your single days and think of how much you enjoyed them, maybe even wanted them to last longer. Most Single Muslimah’s want to get married, and In Sha Allah, you will! But don’t rush yourself because you’re unhappy or afraid that no one is ever going to love you. You should love you, work on yourself, enjoy your self. You should DO YOU.
Your Classy Muslim Sister is a Happy Single Muslimah
I am a happy, single Muslimah and I enjoy it every single day. I’m telling you sister when I talk to my married friends they all reminisce about the old days where they could do whatever they wanted at their parents’ house. Now they need to tell their husband everything. As a Muslim woman you need to obey your husband, it’s one of their rights. I personally have issues with authority and don’t like people telling me what to do. It’s one of my more masculine traits. Maybe one day, when I’m a bit more mellowed out, I’ll settle down! But for now, I enjoy being a happy single Muslimah
Do you want to learn more about courting and being happy single with an Islamic point of view? If you look in my Love category, you’ll find more articles like this. I write about Elegance, Self Love, Modesty and more! Do you want to help the other Muslim sisters in your life too? Share my blog with them and follow me on Social Media!
Your Classy Muslim Sister