5 Muslim Dating Mistakes to avoid during courting | Muslim Dating Mistake

Have you ever talked to a Muslim brother and just thought: “he is it!” Only for him to ghost you or break it off suddenly? Trust me, you’re not the only one. Men are interesting creatures. Sometimes they leave because they’re scared of commitment, other times it’s because they’re talking to another girl that fits their wishes better. There are plenty of reasons it didn’t work out because of who HE is. But let’s be honest, women can make a dating mistake sometimes. If you are in the initial dating/courting stages (with or without your mahram) there a few things you need to take into account. Some things you do may put men off! If you are one of those Muslim sisters who don’t care, then all the power to you! For those of us who don’t want to make the following 5 dating mistakes, read along!

Dating Mistake 1. Being the hunter (chasing the man)

In this era of feminism, we are told we can get whatever we want by just going after it! In many ways I agree, feminism has helped women a great deal in evening out the scales. When it comes to dating, however, aggressively chasing who you want will have the opposite effect. This goes back to psychology. A man hunts, that’s what Allah intended for them. Does the egg run to the sperm? NO! So you should try to run after a man. You let him take the initiative until you have a solid relationship meaning you are engaged/your parents know about you/you’re married

So many Muslim sisters find excuses to message the man first after they’ve been on a date *with or without a Mahram, many women do it their own way, that’s up to them* We analyse, we obsess, we go crazy waiting for him to call, text, anything! So what do we do, we take charge. “Hey, I really enjoyed our evening together, let’s see when my brother is available and we can go out again”. You message him first, and by doing that, you’ve taken the opportunity from him to show you how interested he is. You may think: “Hey Khadijah asked our Prophet Muhammed (PBUH) to marry him!” but their situation was so different, you can’t even compare it honestly. Unless you are a rich, older widow who has lost 2 husbands, you can make the first move.

If you are in the prime of your life, then let him chase you. Don’t show too much interest immediately, make him think that he is not (yet) a part of your world. That way, he will want to become just that and he will value you more for it. It’s cliche, but it works.

Dating Mistake 2. Being the buyer (paying for the man)

Don’t ever pay for a man’s meal unless you are feeding the poor. Honestly, going 50:50 with a man is a slippery road you don’t want to walk on. It doesn’t make you a golddigger, it doesn’t make you entitled and it doesn’t make you rude. Let me tell you why (somehow this new culture we live in wants women to prove themselves to men by paying dinner and I’m not here for it).

Men are paid more

First of all, men are paid more, so it’s as simple as basic math! Is 50:50 really fair to you, if men, in general, are paid more than women? No, it isn’t! This whole notion of women being able to pay for dinner is just a way for men to once again, get away with basic responsibilities. Any man who is okay with letting you pay for his dinner is going to expect you to bend over backwards in the future for other things as well.

It is your right to be paid for

Second of all, women were granted a special right by Allah, which is the right to financial security provided by men. Women and men have very different duties and rights in Islam. Did you know that your (future) husband has a right to sex with you? That may make you feel a certain type of way, but it’s one of our duties. Just as them being responsible for everything when it comes to finances is their duty.

You are taking away Allah’s task for him

Thirdly, when you decide to go 50:50 you’re not only giving away your right to something, you are also taking his responsibilities from him. Any well respecting High-value Muslim man will be annoyed by you trying to take away his duties given to him by Allah. If he is going to be your husband, he needs to take care of you and provide for you (and your future family). And if the man in question doesn’t mind, then you might need to think about how easily he may leave other responsibilities up to you… paying for a man is a slippery road you don’t want to walk on.

Dating Mistake 3. Being the ‘diamond’ (not knowing your worth)

Did you know that diamonds aren’t that rare? In fact, compared to other gemstones, they’re the most common ‘precious’ stone found. Consequently, rubies, emeralds and sapphires are much rarer and, in turn, far more expensive than diamonds. Diamonds became popular because of some amazing marketing campaigns by De Beers. Former De Beers chairman (and billionaire) Nicky Oppenheimer once explained, “diamonds are intrinsically worthless.” But what does this have to do with anything? Diamonds became ‘valuable’ because they were marketed that way and only De Beers sold them, meaning that they controlled the price. When something is perceived as rare, it becomes rare without actually being rare.

I’ve often used diamonds to compare Muslim sisters, but now that I know this, I won’t do that in the future. You are intrinsically valuable (find out how to find your intrinsic value here). The biggest mistake you can make when you set out to marry, is to think that you need to be made whole and that you need to have a husband to be complete. Not only is it bad for yourself from a psychological standpoint, but men sniff insecurity from miles away. So if you date/court with this fear mindset of not being worth anything, of scarcity, and being okay with settling with someone that is not up to your standards. You are devaluing yourself. Make yourself rare, precious and make yourself intrinsically valuable. Your future husband will feel lucky that he ‘obtained’ a ruby, emerald or sapphire instead of a diamond.

Dating Mistake 4. Being the ‘desperado’ (being too easy)

This one might mess with your mind, but it has a psychological explanation and it goes back to the diamond story. Do you know those women who are very clearly single and looking? Somehow they are always available! They don’t necessarily throw themselves at men (although some do that), but they have this vibe of desperation hanging around them. They don’t know their own worth, so they look to others to give it to them. It’s rooted in insecurity and they will lose the game because of it. Desperate women (people, in general, actually) always settle. You can smell desperation on people and any high-value Muslim man will immediately be turned off by it.

Never allow yourself to be so desperate that you end up settling for far less than what you deserve.     

Dating Mistake 5. Being sexy (leading with your beauty)

Islam has required men and women to guard their modesty. How you do that is up to you, but most Muslim women wear the Hijab. Some wear the Niqab, the burqa and others don’t wear the hijab but very loose-fitting clothing to not enhance their female shape. Modesty is done in different ways, I’m not here to tell you in what way you should be modest, again that’s up to you. Now here comes the part some won’t agree with me on. There are certain things I believe are too sexy and therefore not modest, to wear outside or post pictures of online. If your goal is to marry a respectable, high-value Muslim man, you should be a respectable high-value woman, so you should dress that way!

Six criteria for Hijab according to Qur’an and Sunnah

If we are going to be very strict and Islamic about this, there are six criteria for Hijab according to Qur’an and Sunnah:

1. For women, the extent of covering obligatory is to cover the complete body except for the face and the hands up to the wrist. The extent of covering obligatory on the male is to cover the body at least from the navel to the knees.
2. Your clothes should be loose and not reveal your figure.
3. The clothes you wear should not be transparent such that others can see through them.
4. Your clothes should not be so glamorous as to attract the opposite sex.
5. The clothes you wear should not resemble that of the opposite sex.
6. Your clothes should not resemble that of the unbelievers, so no crosses on your dresses or anything of that sort.

A few things that I consider to be ‘too sexy’ are:

1. Incredibly high heels that don’t fit the occasion. Wearing high heels at a party is okay, but wearing them for a lunch date is a bit overboard
2. Anything that shows of your shoulders, your midriff, your thighs, your cleavage, your butt. Modesty means that you need to cover up certain parts of your body. So basically the first criteria. I’m not going to lie to you, I show my ankles, and sometimes my arms up to my elbow. But I would never go as far as to show cleavage!
3. Ripped clothes. Poor homeless people wear this and you should help them! Give them a charity so they can buy not ripped clothes that will keep them warm in need. Are you poor? No? Then don’t wear ripped clothes, simple as that.
4. Extremely tight clothes. Again, this goes back to the criteria of hijab. I won’t lie and say all my clothes are loose, quite frankly, all my clothes are tailored to fit me perfectly. But! There is a difference between tailored and tight. Tight is tacky, tailored is elegant.

Your Classy Muslim Sister helps you prevent these mistakes

Now that you know about these dating mistakes, you hopefully won’t make them in your future courtships. Obviously, there is a lot more to this then I mentioned but it’s a start! What kind of dating mistake did you make in your courtships? Do you want to learn more about relationships? I write about Elegance, Self Love, Modesty, and more! Do you want to help the other Muslim sisters in your life too? Share my blog with them and follow me on Social Media!

Kisses,

Your Classy Muslim Sister